Another Day Another Demon

 

“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”

― Søren Kierkegaard

A long lost post from a few years ago...

It's been weird lately. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I mean, I know this is my life, but I feel like am waking up and watching the things happen around me in the third person. I just sent my oldest back to college during a pandemic, my youngest is a senior in high school, and my husband, well.... just got the vaccine, and things went south in a hurry. He is the only person I know to have such a horrible reaction. I feel like I am on that spinning ride at the fair. You know, the cheap one that doesn't even come with a belt to strap you in? And at first, you think this is fun, but then you realize just how nauseous you've become and want off the ride. But, like life, it doesn't stop when you want it to. It keeps going. And going... at that fast-paced speed. And yes, every once in a while,
it slows down, but that's almost worst because it's like teasing you and making you believe in this false sense of security.

Here I am 40! On the verge of 41, and where am I? What am I doing with MY life? Have I accomplished any of MY goals? A couple of weekends ago, my husband and I went out to a very cool cider house and played ping pong. The feelings it brought back were exhilarating.  It was as if a part of me that had been reawakened. I loved the sweat, the focus, and the sheer rush I felt when I was trying to win that stupid game. I loved how everything faded away and I felt so in sync with what was going on right in front of me. I want that feeling back. I felt driven and alive, and I felt like me. I feel that I have been a somewhat successful mom, but how have I treated myself? I'm still overweight, I am still lazy, and not doing anything of the things I have started. For example, I started writing a YA novel and that has gone nowhere it's been like what 5 years now yikes! The only thing I think I have committed to is reading, eating, and making excuses. 

I just recently had hip surgery, and now my other hip hurts off and on. I keep making an excuse not to work out because the other one might start hurting. After watching just a few seconds of the Paralympics...I realized I needed to STOP getting in my way. There is nothing left to hide behind, no schedules, no one else's priorities that are getting in the way of my goals. Why have I been so passive about being the j crew girl I have always wanted to become. Why haven't I gone to Greece on a mission trip? What or who am I waiting for before I become the best version of myself. What lame excuse can I come up with now? Okay, you suck at consistency, but you don't have to do something every single day...how about every other day. Have you called that counselor? Have you checked your bank account? I think this all comes down to two letters....n....o. You can't say no in order to say yes to the good things that are waiting for you. What is it going to take to get you to STOP indulging yourself in things that are literally making you waste away? So, you can't run a big flipping deal get on that bike, or stop eating after 6. You literally lost 20 pounds doing the Code Red Rebel without any hard-core exercise. 

Focus...Just like the movie tonight said. If you don't aim at something, you won't hit anything. Aim, damn it.

Here are you're three personal demons. You know them well, and they know you very well. First, we have gluttony. He loves to hang out with you when you are alone when you feel sad, and when you are anxious. He comes in the form of salty chips, too many glasses of wine, and the cheeseburger you have to have because you "don't have time." He is convenient and always seems available. But just like any bad boyfriend, he will make you feel good for about 15 minutes, then leave you feeling more miserable about yourself than you did before. 

Next, we have impulsivity. Impulsivity comes with a classic case of FOMO fear of missing out. This demon always appears when your bank account least expects it. It always makes an appearance when you are broke, or your family is in town. It has the best intentions but leaves you at the end of the month frantic and desperate. What started off as well-meaning, family bonding, "it's for the children", leaves my husband and me fighting, me scrapping together dinner on a dime budget, and rings I don't even wear. Sometimes impulsivity likes to be called Amazon, Etsy, or eBay. While using any of these aliases, they are the same. They promise me the world, then pull the rug out from under me. It's the bad version of Aladdin when he takes his girl on a magic carpet ride. But this ride with impulsivity ends with me falling to my death, poor and alone. 

Finally, we have escapism. This would also be called Kindle, Hulu, or Netflix. All of these create a  horrible excuse to live in a reality that does not exist. How many books on female heroines am I going to read or watch only to start the day back on my couch in my PJs? Seriously, these books and movies, while inspiring, have done little to change how I conduct my life. In fact, it is made it worse. Have I not learned from these characters that you must suffer to change and become all you can be? What am I suffering. How am I rising above? 

Abba if you are with me right now...I need you. This weak excuse for a vessel of your mighty word and works is feeling a little down. I feel like Mary right now. I know you have already paid for my sins and sacrificed, but I am bound down to these demons. There are always on me, weighing me down. I feel that I can not push them away or block them out. I need you. Please lord send me an angel to help me fight, send me more of the holy spirit. Give me scripture. Help me to get out of the dark. I feel lost and alone and don't know where to go anymore. I don't know who I am or what I want. I feel at the end of the road and now it is going in a direction I cannot predict or control and that makes me feel out of it. Falling, spinning...I need your lamp at my feet. I am going to go to sleep now and think about these things. I will wait for you because I know your joy comes in the morning.

Valentines, Wrestling Tournaments and Birthdays! Oh my!

"You've always had the power, you just had to learn it for yourself." -Glinda the Good Witch

Well, I'm down 12 pounds since the start of this journey. I am finally fitting more comfortably in my clothes and don't feel like I'm caving into my cravings or emotions. I'm also excited that this process has helped me become more aware of my food choices and portion sizes.  It's like a magic curtain has been pulled back to reveal the true value of everything that I consume. In fact, I'm still coming to terms that after all these years I've let myself be suckered into believing all the lies the labels tell about it's nutritional value. For example, I can't just say "oh, it's just a small caramel latte. It's only a couple hundred calories."  That  small item is 5 points! That's about 1/5 of my points for the day. I can't just dismiss those calories. I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore. After what I've seen so far, I don't plan on getting off this yellow brick road and will be looking out for foods that are not what they seem.

Along the way,  I have also discovered that sugar is more wicked that carbs, alcohol and dairy. Mind you, if you eat too many servings of any of those three: carbs, alcohol or dairy you have to add an extra point to what one serving would be! EEk! That surely slows me down when opening any bag or bottle. Individual points add up pretty quick, so I have learned to weigh and measure things out.

This month has especially been hard when it comes to staying within my points. The struggle is real people. For starters, it was Valentine's Day and my hubby treated me to a fancy dinner. I did good and picked a healthy meal and only ate half of it. I also only had ONE drink. I made sure to have my app on me and tracked before I ordered.

However, after Valentine's Day came a four day trip for Wrestling State where I was crammed in the Tacoma Dome for EIGHT hours a day. This was the ultimate test because you could not bring food in. Plus, the weather was horrible and walking somewhere was really not an option. Fortunately, I was able to smuggle shakes and hard boiled eggs from the hotel into my son's bag and did well for the first day. I'm sad to report that by the end of the weekend I wasn't really tracking much. I made sure to eat only half of whatever I ordered, but when your tired making good choices is hard to do. I need a better plan next year and probably an accountability partner.

But wait there's more... this Saturday is my birthday. Knowing that I barely made it through the Tacoma Dome I am opting for a low- maintenance birthday itinerary  and  I'm making sure I stay within my points. I want to have my cake and eat it too, so I just have to be mindful and strategic. I will also have to be decisive. Will I have beer or Tiramisu? (Tiramisu by the way is 13 points!) I know that I can do this if I can just get through this weekend.

Although, counting points when I've had a crazy busy schedule feels stressful I know it's still  better  than what I was doing before. I feel way more in control and know when I'm making a bad choice. Knowledge is power and I feel that even with these minor struggles I am confidently learning how to navigate through these storms. I no longer feel helpless or haunted by wicked cravings. (And when I do I just douse them with water!)

I am definitely looking forward to a less eventful month in March, but have learned that I can make it through these times without giving up, or giving in.

Willing to Wait

"Instant gratification often leads to delayed regret." -annoymous

One of the worst ideas ever concocted was lay-a-way. When I was in the fifth grade my mother took us shopping to pick out clothes for the new school year. I can still remember roaming the isles of Kmart feeling like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" as I tossed shirts, pants and accessories into my shopping basket. This was the first time my sisters and I were allowed to have our own say over what we picked out while also getting the rare privilege of putting together three complete outfits. This was very exciting because in the past we always had to piece-meal our outfits together throughout the year. Now as a parent myself  looking back, I see how this would create a huge divot in my single mother's bank account since there were three of us girls and money was tight. However, the twelve year-old me  was completely oblivious to that fact and felt elated at the thought of "having it all" (even if it was just Kmart). Well, like all good things it was too good to be true. By the time I had assembled the best looks for my fall wardrobe mom broke the news. She told us that we had to put it all on lay-a-way for three weeks! Now, three weeks to a fifth grader is the same as a year to adults. I was so outraged at having to wait, that I totally overlooked the fact that I still would be getting all the things I had picked out. This "having to wait" to "have it all" was devastating to me. And even though I am all grown-up I still feel like that twelve year-old me is struggling to wait...even if it means getting what I really want.

In this case as it relates to me losing weight, it's been a week and I still haven't lost all 50 pounds. Haha. I know that it's going to take more time than that to lose the weight, especially since it took about a year to put it all on. But in all honesty,  I've found this first week slightly discouraging since neither I or others can really see any difference. It's during these times at the beginning of any diet that I always become doubtful that this is going to actually work. I've always had a hard time being willing to wait. So in order to be successful this time, I will definitely have to rely on Jesus and his promises of faithfulness. Another thing that I know will help is by looking at other peoples success stories on Weight Watchers Stay Connected app. When I read these stories and see their pictures it encourages me to know that having a healthy body is worth the wait.

Bossy Books

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
- Albert Enstein

Okay, so in life I have narrowed down people into two types, those that like to follow directions and those that don't. I for example, am a person who feels trapped and confined by being told what to do.  I enjoy creative freedom and abhor the thought of having to do anything by following someones else's step-by-step directions. Thinking about this as I write it probably explains why I am so horrible at dancing, building Lego sets, making dishes from recipes, reading self-help books etc. Unfortunately, for people like me that don't like to follow directions it also leads to difficulty losing weight or achieving goals.

 This realization helped me to understand that in life there needs to be a balance. Which explains why my husband and closest friends are all the kind of people who do not deviate from following directions. After years of  surrounding myself with these types of people and seeing their success I am happy to say that their outlook on life is finally rubbing off on me (it only took 36 years but heh who's counting). With that said, I for the first time in a very long time bought a Weight Watchers Cookbook tonight with the intentions of using it. Normally, I have very little patience for these bossy books and just enjoy looking at the pictures, but since I am trying to do something new I thought maybe following a recipe, or recipes could put me on the path to changing my non-rule following ways. Call me crazy...okay don't, but I know I need to be okay with letting someone with a little more knowledge take the lead on this. I think letting the extremely intelligent people from Weight Watchers (who by the way get paid to know this stuff)will help me make healthy, portion controlled meals, which will if I stick to it help me to lose weight.

Now from time to time, I have be accused of not asking for help or being prideful, so I think God will honor my humility in this endeavor. I know I will need his help in this area and will be praying about this a lot throughout this journey. Of course,  I am fully aware that by taking on this task  it might feel like my fingers nails are being ripped out...at first, but like everything hard I know it will get easier. So, tomorrow be expecting a picture from my first attempt at not being "insane" and doing something different.

Filter Free

"Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue is what counts." -Winston Churchill

If I thought posting my weight yesterday was scary, than it is nothing compared to  thought of posting my fat pictures online. I tried to talk myself out of it this morning, but I realized that if I want to do this then I know I need to be all in. I'm hopeful that as I look back at these pictures that it inspires me to continue to battle for a healthy body and more mindful me. 

When it comes to pictures, one goal I have at the end of this journey is to be able to have a filter free life. For years now, I have just been taking selfies and covering up by using all the fun Snap-chat and Facebook filters. Enough is enough! I don't want to have to keep  dangling the camera above my head for skinny shots of my face while my kids try to squeeze into the shot. I'm ready for family pictures where I also don't feel like I have to hide behind my husband or children. I'm tired of not letting others take pictures of my family because I know there is no skinny angle when it comes to a full body shot. God  has given me a beautiful body and there is more to me than just my face.   

I know it might also seem a little vain by me wanting to look good in front of a camera, but I don't want to shy away anymore. I want to be proud of my WHOLE body. In a couple months, I would love for my legs to be my favorite feature and mostly because I had a part in sculpting them (move over feet and hands).  Reading about other peoples weight loss stories have encouraged me and help me realize that this is possible and now I am ready to have my own story. I can't wait for my after pictures!

(I didn't even suck in for these!) 

Chest: 42 in

Waist: 39 in

Arms:13 in

Thighs: 28 in

Hips: 46 in

SW:198

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire

SW: 198

GW:145


"If you want to be successful in life there is one rule: Don't lie to yourself."
-Paulo Coleho

If  Paulo is correct then that  explains why  I've struggled with weight loss. For years,  I have been battling the scale and most likely because I've been lying to myself. I've disillusioned myself about portion sizes, being "big-boned," imaginary thyroid issues, quick-fix diets and of course blaming my childhood trauma.  In fact, if I were to graph out the last 20 years of my weight it   would look like a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. So after all that, I've come to the conclusion that if it's not the diet or the family drama that's kept me from being healthy then I'm just BIG FAT LIAR! I don't want to be hard on myself, but I have to admit I've become quite the food eating con-artist.

Everyday, I start off with good intentions, but then by three o'clock I find myself stuffing my face or negotiating one more bite of something I knew I shouldn't eat. While I find that I can wipe away my guilty conscience  each morning my body is starting to pay the price of my lies. Yeah, I can avoid getting on the scale, but I can't escape the increasing dress sizes and the way my whole body aches in the morning. I just feel heavy. My feet hurt and at this rate I will probably need a hip replacement. I need a complete over haul, but I  can't just hop on the next fad diet for the hundredth time and think that this will finally be the time I can lose the weight and keep it off. No, no more lies for me. I need to face the cold hard truth. I love food and I will lie to eat it.

So, after some (okay a lot of) coffee and contemplation I came up with  three ways that I will win this battle. First, I need to join an accountability group "Weight Watchers." Next, I need to track my food... all of it (the bad, the good and even the ugly).Then, I need to post all of my deepest and darkest food confessions on a blog. Yes! I know it seems extreme, but the only way to turn from my lying ways is to come clean everyday and what better way to expose myself than on social media. This means full exposure. Nothing scares me more than posting, but then Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing everyday that scares you," and she was a very smart lady. So on that note lets begin.

Hi, my name is Katie and I am an over eater. I am 50 pounds over weight and I lie about how much I eat.